some venting...

Ok...

I know I'm not a perfect saint when it comes to my ED, but I'm not sure its healthy for me to maintain friendships with those who don't seem to want to get better.  I mean, I think we all have that point in our road to recovery where we want to stay sick, for the attention, but I'm passed that.  It can't be good to have that kind of energy around me.

Does that sound selfish?

I mean, I care about them but I want positivity.  I don't want to maintain relationships with those still deep in their ED that one day I'll get the news that they died from their disorder.  That scares me!  Thank God I haven't had to hear anything like that but its not like it won't happen eventually.

One can't maintain their disorder AND survive.  I don't know I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I want to help them, but I'm learning more and more each day that I need to help myself first.  If I learned anything at BHC its that you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting someone else with theirs.  Its been hard for me to grasp this concept but I think I'm finally coming around.

Having a savior mentality is very exhausting and robs valuable energy I could be applying to my own recovery.  I hate sounding like that, I want to help everyone else get better too.

To all of my friends in recovery, this isn't directed at anyone in particular, I just want you to know that I'm here for you.  Always.

Coming clean.

Some of my closest friends and family members have known I have been suffering from bulimia for the better part of 3 years, but its time I make it public.  I don't want to hide behind this "I'm fine" mask any longer.

I have bulimia.  I hate it.  I never wanted it.  I never asked for it.  Don't judge me for it.

Its not like one day I just decided that it seemed like something cool to do.  Its just something I turned to out of desperation and depression.

I need help, I've gotten help, and currently I'm in a really good place in my life that I feel I can finally get my life back.

Sorry to disappoint some people.  Please don't start assuming thats how I lost my weight.  Even though I can care less about what people think regarding that issue.  Originally the weight did come off with better eating habits and healthy exercise.  But when that wasn't enough, ED (what I will be referring to for bulimia) seemed like a quicker fix.

Now its just a part of my life.  It no longer serves the purpose it once did.  Its just habitual.

I AM VERY PROUD TO ANNOUNCE I HAVE BEEN PURGE FREE SINCE WEDNESDAY!

Oh I am so excited.  I still "binge", if you want to call snacking on junk food that, but nothing compared to where I was doing this time last year.

Everyones support is welcomed and prayers are needed!

Until next time!