therapy

well today i had my second session with my therapist regarding STRICTLY my denial issues of my previous relationship. Its a cryfrest the entire time. I am almost convinced I will never get over *him* and more and more I am learning that I think I don't want to get over him. Weird, I know. But eventually I am going to have to make that choice of letting go and moving on....

Anyway, eating issues started up a little today. Nothing severe but a feeling of "losing control" around food when I am at home alone. I splurged a little, and I'm sure it has to do with my session earlier today. It was mostly sweets, I feel I needed some consoling. But that was the wrong way of going about it. Even though my "binge" was dwarfed in comparison to the way I was at my worst, I still recognized that it was not healthy. Instead I thought and addressed my feelings and journaled a bit. I also spent some time with my puppies who always know how to get me out of my head.

I have decided that I have been in recovery long enough to begin working on my body again. I had been afraid of exercise and monitoring my diet for fear that I might take it to the extreme, but after being educated in eating/exercising mindfully, I think I'm ready to incorporate a more than sensible diet and exercise regime. Summer bootcamp here I come!

I am looking forward to the good feeling that comes with exercise (endorphins and etc.) but the second I start obsessing about looks and appearance, I will slow it down. I Promise!

anyway, til next time. Stay strong, we'll get through this!

57 days...

Longest I've gone since I can't even remember!

OMG I am truly blessed to have the support of my friends and family in this battle I have in my head about my body. Last time I went for this long without "acting out" was like.... i dunno... late 2006/early 2007??? WOW! I am so proud of myself!

I can't thank everyone enough for all of the prayers and good thoughts you all have had for me

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER KNOW!!!!

31 days...

I know I really shouldn't be counting... I'm really not keeping track I'm just basing it off my last update but its amazing how well I'm doing since being discharged from treatment.

Even though I had gone significant periods of time without engaging in as much bad behavior as I did prior to treatment, this is 31 days of absolutely NO ED behavior whatsoever!

I have to thank God for providing me with the strength to get through this and also all of the support I have in my friends and family.

ok ok and I'd like to thank MYSELF!!! My therapist back at BHC would be proud I'm even owning the fact that I'm doing better because I'M doing the work! Usually I wouldn't take credit at all so that's another victory in and of itself.

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On a slightly more negative note... I still struggle with the insensitivity I receive from those closest to me that know and are aware of my ED struggle. My mom especially should know better than anyone about what to say or not say around me. She even relayed a message to me from my aunt about helping at my cousin's baby shower... Of course I wanted to help but when I found out they wanted me to help serve food... I couldn't help but think they couldn't be that ignorant... could they!?

I mean that's like asking an alcoholic to pour champagne at New Year's... I mean you just... NO ok!? Not the brightest idea...

I have to learn that although ED is still very much on the forefront of my mind, the rest of the people around me may not always be thinking about it. I have to be more understanding but it's so difficult.

update!

I know I haven't posted on this blog (or any of mine for that matter) in forever but I've been SUPER busy!!!

So ED has stuck around for the move to my new home but I think he's starting to realize that its not gonna be the same as it was in montebello. People are always home, I have no transportation or close restaurants/fast food/marketplaces within walking distance so thats off limits. I guess I'm just going to have to do without...

AND GUESS WHAT??

thats just FINE with me!

This Tuesday will be 21 days that I have been symptom free of ED and I couldn't be prouder! (who's counting anyway)

Ya so I'm not happy with my appearance, but thats not all there is to life.

I have family and friends that love me for who I am and the way I look, and now its time I learn to do the same.

I started working out, not to lose weight but to feel healthier. Its already exciting the changes my body has been going through since I moved to my Grandma's house. I'm having normal hunger pangs and night sweating do to my increased metabolism since refeeding. I know this is all eating disorder jargon to some but in our world... these are huge steps in the right direction! I won't get into too much detail, but when one has an eating disorder.... things aren't as regular as they should be :-/ well... I'm happy to report I'm back on track in the department as well! AND I'm not afraid of drinking fluids anymore because I am no longer retaining water!!!

Ok so maybe that was too much info for you "normal" folk, but for those struggling with ED, details like those help make recovery more tangible.

Anyway, I'm glad to be reporting good news and hope this is a continuing trend... HANG IN THERE everyone!

Saw my psychiatrist today...

It went ok I guess....

The anti-depressants he had me on were just making me apathetic and more depressed.

Let's hope the new ones work better.

I've had a rough couple of weeks. Bad body image days, anxiety at school (weird o_O), and just lack of motivation. I just sleep all day and neglect my studies. I know I shouldn't but I just can't muster up the effort/energy to do anything anymore.

My Psychiatrist says its probably a side effect of the anti-depressants so hopefully they will subside.

Another bad thing I started up again is laxatives... ugh I am really upset with myself at the moment.

I've been engaging in ED behavior several times the past couple of weeks and have been gaining weight.

I haven't seen my weight since October but I know its high... Well... not high but higher than I would like...

AHHHH I want to go back to normal... :(

some venting...

Ok...

I know I'm not a perfect saint when it comes to my ED, but I'm not sure its healthy for me to maintain friendships with those who don't seem to want to get better.  I mean, I think we all have that point in our road to recovery where we want to stay sick, for the attention, but I'm passed that.  It can't be good to have that kind of energy around me.

Does that sound selfish?

I mean, I care about them but I want positivity.  I don't want to maintain relationships with those still deep in their ED that one day I'll get the news that they died from their disorder.  That scares me!  Thank God I haven't had to hear anything like that but its not like it won't happen eventually.

One can't maintain their disorder AND survive.  I don't know I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I want to help them, but I'm learning more and more each day that I need to help myself first.  If I learned anything at BHC its that you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting someone else with theirs.  Its been hard for me to grasp this concept but I think I'm finally coming around.

Having a savior mentality is very exhausting and robs valuable energy I could be applying to my own recovery.  I hate sounding like that, I want to help everyone else get better too.

To all of my friends in recovery, this isn't directed at anyone in particular, I just want you to know that I'm here for you.  Always.

Coming clean.

Some of my closest friends and family members have known I have been suffering from bulimia for the better part of 3 years, but its time I make it public.  I don't want to hide behind this "I'm fine" mask any longer.

I have bulimia.  I hate it.  I never wanted it.  I never asked for it.  Don't judge me for it.

Its not like one day I just decided that it seemed like something cool to do.  Its just something I turned to out of desperation and depression.

I need help, I've gotten help, and currently I'm in a really good place in my life that I feel I can finally get my life back.

Sorry to disappoint some people.  Please don't start assuming thats how I lost my weight.  Even though I can care less about what people think regarding that issue.  Originally the weight did come off with better eating habits and healthy exercise.  But when that wasn't enough, ED (what I will be referring to for bulimia) seemed like a quicker fix.

Now its just a part of my life.  It no longer serves the purpose it once did.  Its just habitual.

I AM VERY PROUD TO ANNOUNCE I HAVE BEEN PURGE FREE SINCE WEDNESDAY!

Oh I am so excited.  I still "binge", if you want to call snacking on junk food that, but nothing compared to where I was doing this time last year.

Everyones support is welcomed and prayers are needed!

Until next time!