oh hey girl hey!

I feel 100000000000000000000000 x better than my last post. Its amazing how much a balanced diet affects your mood and your overall energy.

The post before had to do with the fact I had pretty much been eating empty calories as my meals and not getting any nutritional stuff. My body felt like crap which consequently gave me headaches and fatigue and then that led to my internal negative tape just going on repeat.

Now that I've had a whole week of nutritious food.... FRUITS!!! other yummy stuff I feel like a whole other person!

Anyway, so in group the other day, I was called out on so much of my perfectionistic OCD tendencies. Ugh!!! I don't know what they are talking about!!!! Plus they keep reminding me about how critical I am of myself and how I'm always putting myself down.

One of the girls broke down crying because she is just being bombarded by thoughts so much so that they don't let her sleep! I wanted so badly to fix her and I got up to give her a tissue and then my therapist Gina told me to sit down and that she needs to get through this for her to get better... I was like say what?! It was just a tissue.....

I talked to Gina after and she said had I been one of the other girls that already addressed savior mentality issues, she wouldn't have stopped me but she is forcing me to sit with the anxiety of seeing someone suffer. Her point, I'm assuming, is to get me to realize that its ok to just let someone cry and that I don't always have to fix everyone.

That was really difficult and I didn't realize it was that big of a deal but now I'm seeing how much lending myself out to others is wearing me out. But how do I take care of me without feeling selfish?

Any thoughts?

struggling

So the past couple of days have been pretty rough for me. Nothing too serious (no ED behaviors) but the urge to engage has been really strong. I keep reminding myself that I've come too far to just let it all go now and that has really kept me going.

My new problem is since I've been "recovered" I had very few, if any, moments where ED reared his ugly head. Some days I wouldn't feel too pretty, nothing fit right or my face appeared swollen... Ya I think every girl is allowed those days every once in a great while. BUT these last 10 days, ED has been on repeat with these thoughts and its driving me nuts.

I guess I had forgotten what it was like during the the thick of my condition and I know this is an opportunity to humble myself and remember that a relapse is never out of the question.

I have to be aware. But at the same time I don't want to listen carefully to everything ED is telling me. Jenni Schaefer, author of Live Without Ed and Goodbye Ed Hello Me, says that I should talk back to ED instead of ignoring him.

I have tried but a lot of times I just want the thoughts to go away, and lately I've been distracting myself with TOO MUCH TV and sleeping whenever possible. This may also just be part of my dysthymia, but lately I had not felt so "depressed."

Anyway, I know this post is a downer but I had to be honest with myself. I can't keep pretending I'm all better because that is when I'm most vulnerable; when my guard is down.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue to fight the enemy.

To all of my girls (and guys) struggling also, recovery is worth fighting for so stay strong!

Journaling

My therapists always tell me to journal. Journal, journal, journal. What is journalling anyway?! I've never been able to grasp the concept or even journal on a regular basis. I guess its because there is no topic, no right or wrong way, and I need structure, RULES!

If someone can just tell me what to do and how to do it and when to do it, that'll be great. I bet I'm going to get a lot of answers like... "You are journalling right now!" But I mean like real journalling like in a little book at random times during the day and during group therapy.... you know?

I'll attempt it but won't share it publicly, since I'm afraid of what I might talk about. It's like free association right? No censoring? Yeah, ok that's not going to be posted. Hehehe.

Hey there...

OMG!!! where have I been!? I'll tell you where I've been... LIVING LIFE!!! I am finishing up my BA in Psychology this Spring and will be started my doctoral education in the Fall!!

So, lemme catch y'all up a bit.

Since last you'd heard from me I didn't have a car but now I do! And not just any car but the exact same make model year color car I had that was totalled back in April 2008. Only difference (besides the ton of modifactions the previous owner did) is that its a stick-shift. Yes, that means I had to learn. Basically it was sink or swim. In the beginning it seemed impossible and I was extremely frustrated because I wasn't able to master it. I even gave up for a few weeks wondering if I made the right choice by purchasing a car I don't know how to drive! I hung in there and eventually was able to drive on my own. Very shaky and lots of stallings but still, I did it.

Writing about this now, I can't help but reflect how much this mirrors my recovery since treatment. It was very difficult and seemed impossible and I "stalled" several times. I even gave it up and gave in to ED. But somehow I trudged on. And little by little I learned how to live without ED. He was my automatic transmission but now I had to switch to my manual "healthy" self.

And now, just like everything you practice, its second nature. I am referring to both the driving and my live without ED.

I'm here to say that its possible. Everyone can do it if they really want it. AND, there is more to life than just ED.

Oh yes and one more thing..... Its been over a year since I have engaged in ED behaviors. Time went by so quickly!

therapy

well today i had my second session with my therapist regarding STRICTLY my denial issues of my previous relationship. Its a cryfrest the entire time. I am almost convinced I will never get over *him* and more and more I am learning that I think I don't want to get over him. Weird, I know. But eventually I am going to have to make that choice of letting go and moving on....

Anyway, eating issues started up a little today. Nothing severe but a feeling of "losing control" around food when I am at home alone. I splurged a little, and I'm sure it has to do with my session earlier today. It was mostly sweets, I feel I needed some consoling. But that was the wrong way of going about it. Even though my "binge" was dwarfed in comparison to the way I was at my worst, I still recognized that it was not healthy. Instead I thought and addressed my feelings and journaled a bit. I also spent some time with my puppies who always know how to get me out of my head.

I have decided that I have been in recovery long enough to begin working on my body again. I had been afraid of exercise and monitoring my diet for fear that I might take it to the extreme, but after being educated in eating/exercising mindfully, I think I'm ready to incorporate a more than sensible diet and exercise regime. Summer bootcamp here I come!

I am looking forward to the good feeling that comes with exercise (endorphins and etc.) but the second I start obsessing about looks and appearance, I will slow it down. I Promise!

anyway, til next time. Stay strong, we'll get through this!

57 days...

Longest I've gone since I can't even remember!

OMG I am truly blessed to have the support of my friends and family in this battle I have in my head about my body. Last time I went for this long without "acting out" was like.... i dunno... late 2006/early 2007??? WOW! I am so proud of myself!

I can't thank everyone enough for all of the prayers and good thoughts you all have had for me

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER KNOW!!!!

31 days...

I know I really shouldn't be counting... I'm really not keeping track I'm just basing it off my last update but its amazing how well I'm doing since being discharged from treatment.

Even though I had gone significant periods of time without engaging in as much bad behavior as I did prior to treatment, this is 31 days of absolutely NO ED behavior whatsoever!

I have to thank God for providing me with the strength to get through this and also all of the support I have in my friends and family.

ok ok and I'd like to thank MYSELF!!! My therapist back at BHC would be proud I'm even owning the fact that I'm doing better because I'M doing the work! Usually I wouldn't take credit at all so that's another victory in and of itself.

----------------------

On a slightly more negative note... I still struggle with the insensitivity I receive from those closest to me that know and are aware of my ED struggle. My mom especially should know better than anyone about what to say or not say around me. She even relayed a message to me from my aunt about helping at my cousin's baby shower... Of course I wanted to help but when I found out they wanted me to help serve food... I couldn't help but think they couldn't be that ignorant... could they!?

I mean that's like asking an alcoholic to pour champagne at New Year's... I mean you just... NO ok!? Not the brightest idea...

I have to learn that although ED is still very much on the forefront of my mind, the rest of the people around me may not always be thinking about it. I have to be more understanding but it's so difficult.